Around 2 years ago, whilst waking around a book shop in Newtown I randomly fell upon the book “Manhood” by Steve Biddulph. I read the whole book in 2 days and was struck by how relevant it was for me. Thinking the book had to be written in the last 2-3 years I turned to the front to realise it was written in 1994! What stood out the most was this this chapter titled “Real Male Friends.” In this chapter Biddulph writes “Australian men don’t have friends, they have ‘mates’, with whom we share a straitjacket agreement on which subjects we never discuss.”
In my own life, I felt relatively comfortable being vulnerable around women. With men however I found comfort around talking about topics like sport and doing “things” but if I thought about sharing a challenge or something vulnerable its a different story. I could not even think of a time where I shared vulnerably with another man.
The book “manhood” revealed that this issue was very common in the 90’s and I would argue equally if not more common now. The book had anecdotes of men that were able to understand themselves more by sharing with other men. As a result they felt more secure in how they felt and were able to stand up for what they felt with their partner. They could come to a relationship as equals with their partner. Lucky enough Biddulph suggested a potential antidote to this issue which is to join a men’s group. A men’s group he explains, is a safe space where men agree to be vulnerable and share what is alive and present in their life.
I had a desire for a space like this but was also intimidated. My curiosity overcame my fear and so I googled men’s groups and I fell upon the the “Men’s table”. The Mens Table is a non for profit organisation that facilitates groups of 12 men, once a month, sharing a meal and having deeper conversations. I enquired through the website and after a phone call and a zoom meeting I was connected with Mens Table#177 in Gladesville.
This table was relatively new and had only met twice before I joined. As part of the procedures of the Men’s Table I was invited for a meeting with two of the members of the table for a chat one afternoon. I got to know two men from the table who explained how a night at the Men’s table looks.
The two men explained that we meet at 6:30, get a drink, order a meal, have a chat. Then at 7pm we move to a private function room. We begin by addressing the ‘fundamentals’ which includes things like ‘no interrupting”, “no fixing” and “no talking about footy and shit”. Following this we begin with a check-in. Each man has time to share how the last month has been without being interrupted. After this we have a meal. Then a majority of the night we have a discussion about a chosen topic. This might be “Fathers”, “Addictions”, “loneliness” or “childhood”. These topics are aimed to spark deeper discussion to prompt men to share from their heart. The evening concludes with a ‘check-out’. This is where each man is invited to share how they felt the night went for them. The structure around the night made it far more appealing to me. I agreed to join and then men were happy to have me onboard. I was the youngest member of the table by 15 years.
Over the past 2 years ive been to around 15 meetings and continue to meet with a group of men once a month on a Wednesday. Over the course of this time I have learnt a lot about how I relate to men and how men share vulnerably with each other. Five values have emerged out of the table that have been integral in the success of the group.
- Trust. I believe men have experienced great pain in the past with vulnerability. So trust is integral. I noticed how slow trust built at the start but it does happen gradually
- Commitment. Part of this trust is commitment. Men value commitment and the men who have committed to the table and show up each month or offer their apologies for not attending early have seen much more progress than the men who haven’t prioritized this
- Respect. Respect is a huge part of our table. Showing that you respect a man I found needs to happen before vulnerability. Respect is earnt with time and commitment. Showing respect to a man who is sharing by deeply listening and even saying thanks for sharing without coming across patronizing is important.
- Truth. Men at our table have deeply appreciated truth. If the conversation goes sidewise and someone shares “I don’t find this interesting” or “I disagree because” this is always valued. Men value truth a lot.
- Humour. Humour is so important in a space like this. Humour historically with men is used to avoid intimacy however if used
Truth I believe is the most important. The most fulfilling discussions have been as a result of an uncomfortable truth being shared. This might be a man declaring “I am not interested in what’s being discussed” or challenging another man by saying “enough about what happened, tell me about how you feel about what happened”. These are the moments that tear down a layer of a wall that separates us. I have felt that wall slowly crumbling as the meetings continue. It is slow work for our table and some weeks it feels as though no progress has been made. I am invested in the process because I believe in the power of men being honest and committing to one another for a good cause. With the world being very suspicious of men gathering (in many cases for good reason) this table is a place where real progress is being made.
As great has this experience has been I wonder why progress is so slow. I wonder what Australia would look like if we dropped the facade with each other. How would our relationships change if we challenged each other more? I wonder if this frustration of intimacy is a male issue? Do women feel it too?
If you are at all interested in my experience please reach out.
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